A Flummoxed Parent

Parenting is an acquired skill. Parents have to be conscious about how they represent themselves in front of their children.  This is because, most often, children try to find their first idols in their parents and mould themselves accordingly. A parent’s good habit is automatically passed on to the child without any deliberate effort. But then, it is not only the good habits but the bad habits as well that gets naturally passed on. It therefore, becomes extremely important to maintain a congenial environment in the house for the proper growth and upbringing of a child. I wonder, if this was the case in the older times as well. Ours was an extremely conservative, patriarchal family. My Maa would scare us and say “Wait, till your Baba comes” and this would be enough to quiet us. Before Baba came home from his teaching job, each one of us would be sitting with our books, hair braided and learning our lessons. The perfect child to be!

But as time went by, it donned that the clearly defined binary equations of norms were flawed, first benchers did not naturally mean good students, beauty was only skin-deep and your beautiful skin could become poke-marked after a bout of chicken-pox, each person is born with a talent and you only need to find this out, society is patriarchal and hence partial, and things needed to be changed etc. Becoming a mother gave me “the best-est”- opportunity to sink my thoughts into actions. I am an empowered, liberated woman and yes, I could give my daughter an equal and equitable environment. But believe me; it took me into more introspective speculations.

Case 1.

I gathered from her 4^th standard school stories (I try to be friendly and hence am considered to be her closest friend) that she has been sitting in the last benches for quite some time. As she narrates her activities, my inquisitive question “Where did you sit beta?” She instantly replies “In the last bench, mamma”. Somewhere my heart sinks. “Ok, but Why? Your teacher didn’t change your place. You have been sitting there for a long time. Can you see the board clearly from there?” She replies without any hesitation “But how does it matter Maa where I sit, the last bench or the first bench. You only told me that it is important to pay attention in class and do my task properly that matters.”

No answer.

Case 2.

My daughter sings beautifully. Which mother would not want recognition and appreciation for her child, I was no exception. There was a talent competition in her School that day. After two auditions, Manu was also among the five selected for the Coveted “Most Talented Singer” contest in her school.  I found her practicing. The D-Day arrived, with a little nervousness Manu left for school. My heart was anxious too and I eagerly waited for her to return. She came home disappointed. The music had crashed and her song had gone awry, she has not been selected. I felt bad – for her (or, was it my adult mind feeling sad for itself)

I was trying to console her when her flamboyant answer came “I am disappointed too Maa, but maybe next time I will do better. There is always a second time, you said.”

No answer.

These are only two instances of many. As a parent I feel confused when my daughter decides to sit in the last bench without any guilt or has no competitive attitude towards her class mates or friends when it comes to marks or games. She is not jealous of things people have, has no qualms when she is not selected for a program or when her tall friend stands in the first line and she has to stand in the last line in a school function.

My desire to excel in being a “good mother” giving the good lessons of life is now poised against my emancipated “running in the rat race” , “survival of the fittest” mindset. I fear whether this good senses will go against her in this exploitative, corrupted world where in spite of globalization and “technology brings the world closer” people are alienated, isolated and extremely lonely. We live in fear of free speech.

How do you define how to survive? How do you cite instances of corruption to a child in a competitive world? Innocence is precious and hence needs to be preserved. And therefore, parenting is a very important issue in these modern times. It is best to train the child in life-skill – art, music, dance, sports – which can empower the child in times of loneliness in life. Proper education will not only mean learning from school textbooks but also from direct contact with nature through nature surveys, visit to the park, visit to the zoo, clay modeling, pottery; through community service – visit to an old age home, orphanages, giving them an opportunity to teach smaller children; through sharing – sharing food on their birthdays, saving pocket money to help someone in need, sharing old story books, toys and dresses; through appreciation and congratulations – teach them to appreciate- their friends, family members, neighbors’ , good things, good habits, etc; through respect – for this life, parents, grand-parents, teachers, the staff and servants who cook , do the household work , the driver, the gardener and others. Let them share it through their own hands and make them feel respect for this work.

As parents let us all pledge together to cleanse ourselves of our adult, suffered, exploited “what happened to me will not happen to my son or daughter” mindset. Let them live in a healthy, stress free society where each individual respects another irrespective of winning or losing.  Let a time come when along with the “Best Scholar of the Year” award, Schools give away prizes for “Student with the Golden Heart” as well.